Life is what you make of it

Forgiveness & love.

2010-01-16T07:11:00.000-08:00

I truly enjoy writing.

There is something about getting your ideas out of your head that is very freeing.. and, perhaps, unless you are a writer you may not understand the depth found there.

But then again, aren't we all writers and poets? We are all going through this world with our own worldviews, taking in the moments.. the scenery.. the experiences.. and are writing novels every single day.

--

I was writing in my notebook the other week when I was getting my oil changed for my car and feel that these are thoughts I would like to share. I'm writing a book... though it is sporadically that I actually add to that - and, quite frankly, who knows when that may be finished. :)

(Jan. 2, 2010)

Forgiveness.

Possibly one of the most beautiful acts. There is no one in this life who doesn't love receiving forgiveness. Giving it is quite another feeling. It can be one of the most difficult things one does in life and yet it is very freeing. Not only does the one giving the forgiveness get freedom, but also the one who receives it. You can feel such a sense of love in it and through it. You can say, "I love you," and the one you are telling will surely feel a sense of love, but show forgiveness and that kind of love is so evident and deeper than any spoken word.

Love.

At a very young age, we are exposed to this concept of love. As babies, our parents (and quite inexplicably more - our mother) show us love. The media portrays love quite boldly - forcing any youth who is exposed to it to gain knowledge (however skewed). As a result, the youth today are growing up far more quickly than when - for example - I was a youth. As a result - naturally - desire forms early to experience this love that it seems everyone shares.
Relationships are jumped into. Innocence - which should be so treasured - is lost. Love is cheapened - to the extent that it cannot be as treasured as it first was. Words become cheap, but the need to hear them still remains.

---

I just celebrated my #28 birthday.
Birthdays are so great, aren't they? You can't help but feel so spoiled with everyone wishing you well, giving you presents, doing things for you. :)

Life is pretty great. You never know what's around the bend, but I do know that I'm grateful for everything and everyone in my life.

Thank you, God, for all of it - for the truth and for enjoying this life while we are here.

One step closer.

2009-05-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

"Who is stirring up my passion

Who is rising up in me

Who is filling up my hunger

With everything I need."

- Vineyard

So, a few highlights to write down.

IHOP was at my church this past weekend and it was truly a very blessed time.

They had worship/prayer going on all day.. so I was in there for several hours.

Then, they also had prophetic/healing appointments you could make.. so I made a prophetic appt. with my mom.. and let's just say, God totally blessed both of us. :)

They give you a tape of everything that they say to you.. so I'm planning on listening to it periodically, so I am reminded of what was said to me.

In other news..

A very exciting thing happened yesterday.. and I truly am one step closer now.

I was able to sell my engagement ring & female wedding band (and I have already sold the male wedding band to an antique store to have it melted down for the white gold).

I cannot express my joy in truly having them 'off my hand' (but not out of my checkbook... I'm still paying on them).. but praise God for allowing me to get them out of my hands. :) yay!!!

My brother is getting married in 2 1/2 weeks (May 23rd).

I'm so excited & happy for him.. and her. :) They are definitely very good for each other.

I love it.

2009-04-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

I love the ways that God works.

I love how dependable He is - He promises to give good gifts to His children (Mt. 7:11).

I love how God knows my heart and the desires that lie there (Ps. 37:4).

I love that God's love is better than life itself (Ps. 63:3).

I love that God truly works all things together for good (Rom. 8:28).

I love that God knows each person so intimately and has made each of us so intricately.

The trials, the battles, the joys, the hurts, the truth to each of us - it is not hidden from Him.

***

In worship tonight, I was reminded that if we, as Christ-followers, truly got it - we would totally change this world. If we truly allowed God to be the first love in our lives - He would shine through. It would be evident that God's hand is upon us - because we would not allow the tricks of the enemy to steal what God has for us. We would truly love each other in the Lord and would encourage each other on.

Another thing that I was reminded of ties into the song "Breathe." The verse goes, "this is the air I breathe.." If we truly lived like we needed God more than our next breath.... wow. You couldn't be held back. I couldn't get caught up in the weights of this world (Heb. 12:1). It just could not happen.. because I wouldn't even desire any of that garbage. It wouldn't even appeal to me, not even for the momentary 'pleasure.'

There's a worship song that I've been singing lately and part of it goes: "Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way" ("Here In Your presence" - New Life worship). That's my Lord. That's my Creator. My Savior. My Source. My Portion. My Truth. Oh that I wouldn't lose sight of who God is..!

On a sidenote.... I am giving 6 months devoted to not seeking a relationship with a guy. I decided at the beginning of January, partially due to the end of a relationship but mostly what God has placed on my heart, to give time to the Lord.. and not sway from that. It's been an amazing 4 months.. it really has. I see God's hand on this and I pray that continues and that His will is fulfilled through this. I just want God's best.. I want God's will.. more than anything. I really do. I know what settling for less than God's best looks like, and I do not want it. I was watching the movie "No Reservations" tonight.. and I started sobbing. My mom shared with me that she has started crying when the sister dies and leaves the daughter behind. But I was sobbing in the part where the two main characters begin to have a relationship and everything is so right-on.. it's like things are just as they should be and it's so obvious to the observer than they belong together and that they compliment each other perfectly. I felt it deep in my heart. That is what I long for. It's what I've wanted for what seems like far too long... but I can wait. I must and I am. :)

Restoration

2009-03-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LcyQOLVS_U

Please checkout this song on You Tube.
It was written by Clay Edwards and sung by David Brymer (and Misty Edwards).

There is a gathering called "The Garage" in the area that meets every friday night.
It's a group of people that come together from all sorts of backgrounds and churches.
It's a fairly small number usually... but what God does in those meetings is nothing small.
I've only gone a handful of times so far (my 'new' job has kept me from going a lot because I've had to work a lot of friday nights)... but one thing for sure, God moves there.
Last night the worship leader (which changes every week... and I may be able to play sometime soon) led this song "Restoration." I had never heard it before.

As we sang, I felt so much power in this song.
Some songs have that strength to them. During worship, God can really do a lot in us.. if we let Him.
So I just wanted to share this incredible song. Please listen to it and make it your prayer.

Because God does restore us.

Living intentionally

2009-03-12T20:58:00.001-07:00

Cool Hand Luke is a pretty great band.

Definitely worth checking out.

Their lyrics have a lot of depth.

It's refreshing and challenging.

Recently, I rediscovered how much I enjoyed them.

I was making a mix cd for my friend Emily.. and couldn't help but remember the time I saw them in concert in Lincoln, IL.

I remember the singer sharing this scripture verse and it just really impacted me.

I was going to ISU at the time and used this verse as a backbone for the worship team I led the next year.

"I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.'"

- Psalm 16:2

Whenever I hear a song of theirs, I can't help but be reminded of this verse.

Music has that great attribute.

It brings back a memory a lot of the time. :)

When God is really the only thing good to us, we can't help but desire to be filled with more of Him.

It's pretty basic.

And yet... so many times... we forget that truth, or we get distracted.

We begin to focus on others or ourselves.

I feel like God is doing so much in my life.... and I can't help but be excited.

I'm living intentionally.

Again.

Grace pays the bill.

2009-02-22T20:07:00.000-08:00

I want to jot down some truths about grace here.

I've been re-reading "Velvet Elvis" (for the third time).

And I'm getting a lot out of it.

Perhaps it's because I'm looking for it... and I know that there are profound truths that I need to truly be reminded of - or even exposed to.

I wanted to share a bit of chapter six here.

".. God makes us in His image. We reflect beauty and creativity and wonder of the God who made us. And Jesus calls us to return to our true selves. The pure, whole people God originally intended us to be, before we veered off course.

Somewhere in you is the you whom you were made to be.

We need you to be you.

We don't need a second anyone. We need the first you.

The problem is that the image of God is deeply scarred in each of us, and we lose trust in God's version of our story. It seems too good to be true. And so we go searching for identity. We achieve and we push and we perform and we shop and we work out and we accomplish great things, longing to repair the image. Longing to find an identity that feels right.

Longing to be comfortable in our own skin.

But the thing we are searching for is not somewhere else. It is right here. And we can only find it when we give up the search, when we surrender, when we trust. Trust that God is already putting us back together.

Trust that through dying to the old, the new can give birth.

Trust that Jesus can repair the scarred and broken image.

It is trusting that I am loved. That I always have been. That I always will be. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to prove anything or achieve anything or accomplish one more thing. That exactly as I am, I am totally accepted, forgiven, and there is nothing I could ever do to lose this acceptance.

... We need you to embrace your true identity, who you are in Christ, letting this new awareness transform your life (p. 150, 151). "

Rob Bell then shares about an experience at a restaurant. He was having breakfast with his son and father.. and their meal ended up getting paid for by someone else.

The profound depth to this analogy really hit home with me.

He says that he felt helpless.. and that to insist on paying would be pointless. Accepting that what the waitress said was true meant to either live like it was true or create his own reality in which the bill wasn't paid. The chapter ends with this: To trust that grace pays the bill.

I'm learning to truly walk in the freedom that has already been bought for me through the cross. All victory is mine through Christ. All authority is mine in Christ. I'm learning that it truly is only by grace that I am saved. With all my faults, He loves me still. He is doing a good work in me, if I allow that work to be done.

The things of God are really what matter.

I'm not saying to be out of touch with life here.. "being a Christian is not cutting yourself off from real life; it is entering into it more fully (p. 91)." If I am truly keeping my heart soft to God and truly seeking Him, I will hear His voice. And He is always speaking. Somehow. Through so many things. At so many times.

"Do you really think God's voice is more interesting than the voices that surround you?"

- Rob Bell

Life lessons.

2009-01-22T19:28:00.000-08:00

I've been taking lots of notes lately.

On life.

On books I'm reading.

Notes about life.

I am reading "Velvet Elvis" (for the third time..) with a friend of mine.

I feel like I am getting so much out of that book.

My favorite reading has been Chapter 3.. and I'm just reminded of truth.

I love truth.

It excites me.. to the very core of who I am.

I'm a christian because it is true reality.. I've invested time and research.. (let alone personal experience) and know that, as Rob Bell reminds us in that book, "being a christian is to claim truth wherever you find it" (p. 81).

***

Here are some life lessons as of lately:

I'm being reminded that each passing moment we only get once. Here. Now.
*Make each moment count.
Live life as you want today.. living life to the FULLEST.. because we will NOT get these opportunities again.
--> Don't let the enemy get a foothold. We only get ONE life.
God truly does work all things together for our good (Rom. 8:28).
- Every trial is for strengthening our character
- Every wrong decision God can use to show us why HE needs to direct our lives & what it is like to not live under His blessing.
Do not hold grudges.
Forgive & forget.
If we don't, we do not truly show God's love & we let our hearts become hard & bitter.

I'm at a really good place in my life right now.

.. and I couldn't be happier. :)

It's True.

2009-01-15T12:23:00.000-08:00

I've always been inspired by music..

and photos (like the one here).

This is a song that I just want to share,

by a great group, Nevertheless.

*Enjoy*

Tell me whose right
Whose wrong
It sounds like the same old song
But if it's compromise they want
Then I don't belong

We paint you in pictures well
We praise you and live like we don't
If you'd ask do we love you still
Sometimes I can't tell

It's true,
I still believe in you
We've made it hard to see
The light shining through
The things we do

Holy and beautiful
Your grace is unstoppable
It's bigger than what we've done
Or how we feel

It's true,
I still believe in you
We've made it hard to see
The light shining through
The things we do

Underneath my skin,
In a place where no one goes
There is still a fire,
Burning in my soul
The world is such a mess,
But somewhere there is hope
Somewhere there is hope
You are still my hope

It's true,
I still believe in you
We've made it hard to see
The light shining through
The things we do

I still believe in you,
I still believe in you,
I still believe in you,
I still believe in

What the devil intended for evil, God turns around for good.

2008-09-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like there are so many times (too numerous to keep track of) that I realize something that I remember realizing weeks ago, months ago, even years ago.

Today was one of those times.

I was in church service just really enjoying the worship and what God was doing in that time, when it dawned on me..

I have wanted, for the longest time it would seem, to have the right guy in my life (for my future spouse). It seems like I've had to 'wait' for a long time.. so I would think that I would be able to really appreciate this man (whoever he is) when I was found by him. BUT... after going through what I've gone through this past year with the rough relationship and calling off the engagement to a guy who treated me quite poorly... I truly feel as though I will be able to appreciate it even that much MORE.

Sometimes we go through things - whether self-imposed or whatnot - that we do not understand at the time... but God has a divine plan in everything.

I'm honestly at this amazing place in my life now. I'm learning to truly forgive myself for getting involved in something so far from God's best for my life in the area of relationships. I'm gaining a new respect for my parents who are two very amazing and special people to me. I am growing deeper spiritually than I have in a very long time.. it's refreshing and very strong. God is showing His love to me in ways I need.. I've had so many great times in reflection lately.. and I love it. :) I honestly am back to being me... and I haven't felt like this in over a year, I'd say. I'm laughing and truly just enjoying life. I feel so lucky.

So, I'm determined to let God have His way in this area. I will not settle for anything less than what He has for me.. because I've seen what that is like, and it's not pretty. At all.

And I really will be able to appreciate it in an even deeper level than I could have before all this heartache.

God satisfies.

2008-09-13T20:56:00.001-07:00

"Open wide your mouth and I will fill it."

- Ps. 81:10

-----

God satisfies.

I know that people say only God can truly satisfy.
But I think I'm finally grasping the depth of this truth.

All of God for all of us.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness.." - 2 Pet. 1:13

".. asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding." - Col. 1:9

"May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." - 2 Thess. 3:5

".. never tire of doing what is right." - 2 Thess. 3:13

-----

People will let us down.. because we, as humans, come up short at times.
It's not that people intentionally plan to do this, but sometimes, it happens.. because they are not God - who is the only One who can truly meet all our needs all the time.
Even spouses will let the other down.. which is why it is important to understand grace with each other.. and to look to God for fulfillment.

-----

God is always wanting to fill us with greater truth - but it is up to us to receive it.

Trust... or the lack there of

2008-08-03T17:26:00.001-07:00

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

I went to Six Flags this weekend with my friend Sarah from ISU & her twin sister. We had a lot of fun. :) On the way up, I was reflecting on life and how I've allowed certain things to happen and such.. and I remembered this verse.

I know this verse very well.. but while I was driving I realized that this is the source for a lot of where I've tripped along the path. I know that I have an issue with trust.. but it really stems back to the lack of trust I have that God is in control and that He will guide my every step as I delight myself in Him. I know that I've realized this before and wondered why I would ever doubt the Maker of all things.. but it's just good to realize it again, I guess.

I have so much ahead of me, which make me excited. I look back on some decisions I have made and I know that I have made mistakes. So, instead of wallowing in the mistakes, I'm going to just keep my eyes focused on the future and really focus and practice on trusting God.

Because.. really.. that's the key to life.

Chapter 26 begins now..

2008-07-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

At the ripe age of 26, I begin a new chapter in my life.

I was just engaged but called things off, just this past weekend.

I realized that I need to be treated better and that I deserve so much better than what I was with.

I honestly know in my heart that it is the right thing to do. I have been so much happier since, too.

The small things in life make me smile again.

I feel relieved and lucky to have been given another chance at this.

Give.

2008-06-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

I think the secret to a successful relationship really boils down to this word. It's a verb.. which means you have to do something.

As we allow ourselves to see the things that we need to tweak, we give back to our "significant other." We, in fact, are saying, "hey, I know that I need to do this.. and even though it's hard, I will do it."

I need to give more.

I see the areas I need to change and where I need to grow - and instead of only realizing it, I need to act on that.

Keep On Keeping On.

2008-06-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

Ready.

Set.

Jump.

Life is a funny thing.

Recently there have been a few things that have happened that have shown the humanity of things to me.

My dad was in the hospital a couple weeks ago because he thought he was possibly having symptoms of a heart-attack. Come to find out, he just needed to be taking his blood pressure medication. My mom's friend was given life-changing news about her pregnancy and ended up giving birth the next day in the hospital to her 14 week old baby (still-born).

Sometimes life seems to just race past you. You blink and it seems you've over-looked an entire year. Eternity is something I have come to realize I really have no understanding of. I remember learning as a little girl about either living eternally in heaven or in hell. Whenever I let my mind wander to thinking of that definition, I just lose myself for a moment. We really have no true concept of what that means. Everything on earth as we know it is so defined that things beyond this world (the spiritual realm) is not something that all of us can have a clear grasp on. But, whether we like it or not, we each choose to give God a chance or to just say, "hey, maybe later huh?" Life is pretty amazing to me. I'm glad that I've had the opportunity to be exposed to all aspects - the radically spiritual and the apathetic response to the knock on the heart's door. I've chosen for myself. And we all choose. I'm going to keep on keeping on, that's for sure.

To acknowledge my last post, I appreciate Carrie's comment. I don't even know who reads this or who knows about this.. but that was pretty nice to come to. :)
Things are better in that arena. I am still a bit annoyed about some things, but some things are clearing up. So things are on the up and up. Thankfully.

Revelations..

2008-06-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

I just celebrated a year with my fiance.

And, honestly, I have learned so much this past year..... about myself & him, about my family and my friends, and just life in general.

There has been a lot of stuff that has happened between my fiance and I.. we've been faced with a whole lot of challenges. Behaviors that I never knew I had came out quite boldly.. things that I am not proud of... things that he has done that is not proud of.

I'm such an honest person. Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with honesty of course.. but I tend to vomit my life up to others quite freely. A stranger may stand next to me in line for some Starbucks and I just begin my self-exposed story. Ok.. not really. But it might as well be that scenario.

Needless to say, the majority of my "friends" and my family now feel that I am wrong for being with my fiance. I respect their concern... but I just need their respect. Am I alone in this? Does everyone else get respect and I just got the short end of the stick? I'm not trying to be impossible here, I'm just sincerely curious.

I feel like I'm on edge constantly. I feel like I have to defend myself constantly. But all I really need to do is not care as much about other peoples' opinions and comments. I need to be like the guy in the photograph and just walk on my hands down the sidewalk as if to say, "Take that." :)

I feel the need to write because I'm honestly really fed-up with the way my family has treated me throughout this whole thing. I have an older brother and a younger sister. That's right, the middle child. "Well that explains a lot." Gee.. thanks. ;)

But I feel like I've had to try to prove myself throughout my entire life. I was never "good enough" to play with the boys like my sister, who used to be a tom-boy. I went to college and graduated only to find that it still wasn't enough to my parents (mainly my dad). I feel like I have accomplished a lot with my life so far. But.. then this whole thing happened with my fiance & I. At first, my family was happy for me... and then stuff happened and they began to show a huge lack of respect for me. They still treat me like I'm in high school. My older brother now has a girlfriend (who is seriously so great for him.. I'm really happy for them) - and my parents adore their relationship. It's makes me so sad.. and angry. They rub it in my face a lot.

My parents were going to be paying for our wedding and now they're not. And my dad went as far as telling me that my fiance is never welcomed in our house. It's really just ridiculous.

On top of all of this, I have my supervisor at work giving me the hardest time about things. It's almost to the point of harrassment. Ok, it is harrassment. I mean, I came in one day and he asked what the ring was doing on my finger.

I guess I just need to get this off my chest. I'm old enough to make my own adult decisions. And I've been making good decisions for the past 10 years or so.

I just want people to respect me. Period.

Is that asking too much?!

Hello

2008-03-12T08:07:00.000-07:00

Well.. I used to have one of these and then just stopped using it.
But I think this could be a very good option for an online outlet.
We shall see. :)
Thus begins my new blogger..